Beneath Perfection

The thought of imperfection lingered everyday in my heart not knowing the time I will depart from this world. I was aware of my unredeemable state and had acknowledged my separation with the rest of the world.

I willingly admitted to the pain my present state had brought to the most beloved people in the world, but this did not make me feel less wanted. I was indebted to my thoughts, and strongly believed how well I differed from everyone else. The stigmatization was crystal clear no matter how much it tried to be hidden. It felt so different to be different… well maybe the word different explained it all. I wondered… “Why not another form of disease?”

To an extent, there were some very potential family members who suffered from several medical disorders like diabetes. Diabetics was like the regular because for some of them, sugar was very pleasurable to the tongue. I remembered my mom severely worried about her sister who was strictly monitored on her type of diet after she was confirmed to have had High Blood Pressure. It is true that the worries of life were capable of striking someone down with so many thoughts, but I still don’t understand how such different medical issues correlated and merged up in one person’s body. At least, there was a remedy, so everyone believed. For my sake, there were so many minor kind of sickness that I could have been diagnosed with. Even the thought of having AIDS was easy to reconcile oneself with knowing that there were remedies to sustain the life of an individual. Of course, death would come, someday, but then the Anti-Viral drugs were meant to cover up all tricks the life-long disease was meant to play. I mean, so I thought. But then, here I was, a patient diagnosed with the Carcinoma of the Lungs. Fortunately, my ailment was fairly detectable since it had to do with the Lungs. My mom who adored the idea of regular checkup made it easier than expected to discover that I was growing a malignant tumor in the tissues of my lungs, if not soon to swallow all of it.  As expected, she was devastated and so were the other rest of my family.

At this point, I was already used to all the sympathy that was bestowed on me, with the visible faces of ‘lets give him the love he deserves; we never know when we might lose him.’ They never had to say it out, but I could feel it. It was pretty much obvious. It wasn’t such a big deal anyway. It’s been over two years, or should I say two years and half that I’ve been living with this disease. They discovered this when I was 16 years old. Like every mom would, my mom found it very difficult to accept and like kids my age, I literally did not realize on time how grave my disease was, but to a certain extent I knew how terrible cancer patients looked. I watched lots of movies and could easily picture so many like them in my head. I began to accept the horrendous state I was in when appointments with the doctor was becoming severely intolerable. I realized, or so I was meant to believe, like in the movies that I would no longer be a part of this world. I mean, every cancerous patient I read or watched about always resorted to the peaceful means of life, which was death of course. But, the doctor said there was about. The stage of cancer determined the level of your period of stay on earth. If you were in the final stage, it was definitely going to be pretty hard for a doctor to try to convince you about living. But in my case, I guess I could still say I had a little bit of hope, even though it lacked certainty, because it was never filled with positive beliefs and confidence. Every chemotherapeutic treatment I went for always gave the chance for my doctor to say…

“There sure might be a chance Gabriel”

So then, there goes my name. Like I first introduced myself to the support group organized by the hospital I was associated with, strictly for cancerous patients that were practically, distinguished from the rest of the other normal people. “Hi, I’m Gabriel… Gab for short. I have cancer of the Lungs and I don’t know if I’ll survive it.” 

Powerful Story!

PrayforGabriel.